No, I didn't write the title to be deceiving in anyway. Yes, this is something that actually happened to me. As a matter of fact, as I type this, my girlfriend is sitting on the couch losing her god damn mind over the latest Bachelorette episode. I know, there are some hazards to having a girlfriend… one of which is having my cable recordings clogged with reality TV… I promise you that the seemingly endless time you spend watching MTV, Bravo, and all The Bachelor spin-offs will totally be worth it. Plus, let's be real: The Challenge is actually pretty awesome (the girls are hot and can probably kick my ass, plus Bananas is my spirit animal). Okay, but enough about reality TV… (God help me, I think I might actually qualify as a fan now).
Let's talk about my relationship! I know it doesn't sound very exciting, but this I promise you that the chain of events that lead to my girlfriend and I actually dating was more surprising to me than they could ever be to you, dear reader.
Yes, like the title says I - by some act of god - landed a girlfriend off a cam site. Yeah, I'm not sure how either. I mean sure I have a shining personality to make up for what I lack in stunning good looks… but I have no idea how my girlfriend saw past the average-ness to the great person I am on the inside. I also don't know why she thought it was a good idea to meet a stranger off a cam site…
I mean Tinder is sketchy enough, but a fucking cam site? I think she's crazy. Actually, I know she's crazy because I think she thinks that the contestants on The Bachelorette can hear her right now… After years of screaming at my hockey team I can assure you that no matter how helpful you're being, they, unfortunately, can't hear you through the screen.
Okay, so now that I've sequestered myself in the bedroom (well away from my lady who is still talking to the TV despite my pleas for her to stop) I'm going to tell you the beautiful (and wildly inappropriate story) about how my girlfriend and I first met and started dating. I can't guarantee you'll have similar success convincing your favorite cam girl to date you longterm, but I can however at least share my slightly fucked up internet love story:
It all started when I logged on to Chaturbate one day (I really hope that wavey flashback style music played in your head as it did in mine)… Little did I know that the nut I'd bust during that faithful evening would be one of the most life-changing nuts I'd ever bust in my entire life. Wow, milestones am I right?
I, like most millenials, love sex streams just as much as the next guy. So I figured I'd sign up for an account. Free webcams weren't cutting it for me anymore, so I decided it was time I think about putting some money into my masturbation habits.
Anyway, I was browsing through the girl cams, and I scrolled toward the bottom because I like that amateur stuff. And by amateur, I mean real amateur, not "amateur" stuff where you can tell there is way too high of production value for this actually to be someone who doesn't do hardcore porn. So yeah, I'm browsing the site, and I come across this super hot girl. I clicked on her cam so hard that I probably permanently damaged my laptop.
Her username was something like super slut or wonder whore like the name sounded like it could be in some x-rated Batman porn parody. I - being the average ass nerd that I am - was really into it. So I clicked. HARD.
She was still fully clothed at this point and had some tipping show started on her channel. I - being the average smart ass that I am - started chatting with other people in the room. I must have been having a good day because I was funny enough to where she started talking to me back while on cam. I've always liked cams for that reason. Sure, the girls are there for the money and to take control of their sexuality or something … but at least I can feel validated by making them laugh. I mean sure, I'm the one paying to see pixilated boobs on a screen, but it's the little things, you know?
But I digress. After the first show, I favorited her cam so I could hopefully come back for more the next time I was bored and horny. I went on a few days later and caught her right as she was starting her show. So we got to talking a little bit. She recognized my username, I joked about being her biggest fan, and she made me a mod in her room.
After being made a mod, I was brave enough to slide into her private messages. I mean she liked me enough to make me a mod, so I figured we were at least internet friends at this point. To my surprise she instantly chatted back! We'd joke about annoying people in the chat before I'd ban them like the super-mod I was. Eventually, we exchanged Kik usernames and talked on there throughout the day until she'd get on cam.
I had given in at this point and started buy credits on the site. Granted most of them were going directly to her so we probably should have just made a joint bank account but I stuck to tipping.
I asked her how much money she charged for a private show, she gave me a dollar amount, and after I tipped her she sent me her Skype username. I called her as fast as my fingers could physically accomplish the task and she popped up on my screen. Just me and her, hell yeah. I felt like I was in the champagne room at a wildly expensive strip club.
And then she asked me to get on cam too. That's when I got really fucking nervous. She had no fucking idea what I looked like. I was worried this girl was going to log off and disappear forever with my money. So I got on and aimed the camera at my torso like a fucking Omegle creep. We went through our show and I was ballsy (ha) enough to whip my somewhat average dick out on cam.
After we were finished (and by that I mean after I finished) her screen didn't go black. It was like we were pillow talking. And that's when she said it: "So, what do you not have a face?"
FUCK. So I panned up to my sweaty post-orgasm face and again her screen didn't go black. She told me that she thought I was good looking (!!!!!) and we kept chatting until she had to get some sleep for work in the morning.
After that private show, I could finally close my wallet. Well, I'd still send her things on Amazon and stuff, but it was more out of affection than any sexual expectation.
We got to the point where we were talking almost every day. She'd still go online cam, but I was no longer the one tipping. I was the one moding and the one she was mostly chatting within the private messages.
At this point, I knew she lived a few states away, and we'd flirted with the idea of meeting. After she had a pretty shitty day, we were talking on Skype. I was comforting her as I went about making dinner in the kitchen. I stopped what I was doing as she was venting and I thought to myself how easy it would be just to drive a few hours and meet in the middle over a weekend… and that's when it was my turn to say something life-changing.
"Why don't we meet half way? Fuck it. We don't work on the weekends let's just meet up". And she said yes. Not only did she say yes, but we also planned it. We figured out the logistics and figured it out.
Flash forward to a month later, and I'm in my car, visibly shaking, as I turn off the highway to the plaza where we decided to meet. We had a hotel booked, but we both decided that if we felt uncomfortable, we could turn around and go home or sleep in the separate beds in the hotel that night.
I texted her to message me when she got here as she was running a little bit behind as I sat outside of a coffee shop. As I was waiting I thought of every possible way this could go wrong.
I heard my name, I turned my head and there she was. No 600-pound man, no catfish, it was just the girl I'd been masturbating to for a few months.
And to my surprise, we hit it off. This hot internet porn girl somehow liked my average ass.
We walked around and shopped (she bought me something this time around), we went to dinner and got a little buzzed over dessert. And that's when we went back to the hotel. Again, I was probably visibly shaking as we got to the room because it took me way too long to open the door to the suite.
I sat down on the bed furthest from the wall, and she sat down next to me. That's when my fantasies started becoming a reality. It was like fucking your porn star.
After round one, two, and three, we were pillow talking, and I joked about feeling like I should be paying her for this. She laughed and said, "Only if that's what you're into."
We spent the rest of the weekend together mostly in that hotel room racking up our room service bill and stacking the trashcan high with used condoms and tissues. After a long, and physically exhausting weekend, heading home to our respective lives in our respective cities in our respective states.
Flashforward to a few months later and we were on another one of our weekend trips. We were at another somewhat mundane destination approximately in the middle of where we both lived. We were getting a little drunk at dinner (again) when I had a thought. A really sobering fucking stupid ass thought.
"Let's like move in together, maybe?"
She immediately said yes. Again, my mind was absolutely blown. The next morning when there was less alcohol in our systems we started talking about what we could possibly do.
We decided that we should move somewhere together. She shouldn't move in with me, and I shouldn't move in with her, but we should find a place in a different city (optimally half-way between where we both lived at the time, so we didn't completely abandon our friends).
After hours of long talks and petty bickering we picked a place, found an apartment, and found jobs. I transferred to a local office, and she mostly did Chaturbate until she could find a job in her field. And that brings us to where I am right now: sitting in our room that has now been invaded by a slightly wine-drunk super slut who is furious about The Bachelorette's latest decision and trying to convince me to try a facemask with her.
I'm not going to tell you to try to date your favorite cam girl, because that's a dumb idea. But I will say that being nice (and opening your wallet) can take you a long way when it comes to finding a lovely lady friend like mine… who is now smearing something that smells very minty all over my face (she says it's a facemask, but I feel like it's toothpaste).
I'm not sure what the life lesson is here or if I can really offer any advice when it comes to seducing internet sex workers… but what I can tell you is that my girlfriend is very drunk and what is currently smudged all over my face is without a doubt toothpaste.
So yeah, be nice to your local cam girls. Well, don't be too nice or they'll take over your entire life and interrupt your blogging efforts.
And yes, my girlfriend still cams. She just cams under the "couple" tab now. I know, I know. Romantic right?
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